Spiritual Experience

I grew up in Eastern Europe, where Christian Orthodoxy was an important part of people's lives. Words like 'God', and 'Devil' were what I would call rather frequent in people's vocabulary. I remember how, when I was a kid, my grandma taught me how to pray. I was supposed to kneel in front an icon, and say a prayer that is usually taught to children, a prayer dedicated to one's guardian angel. I remember kneeling in front of that icon, and repeating the words I was taught. I remember my knees hurting, and by the third day, I was refusing to kneel. I reasoned that a loving God, as I was taught God was, wouldn't want me to hurt, or to just regurgitate something my heart wasn't into. I didn't stop praying altogether, but I stopped kneeling. I wasn't yet ready to stop praying, because I was told it was sin. By the 7th day, I was already fed up, and decided to just have conversations with God from the comfort of my bed. 

I also remember how the first time I went to church, as a 12-13 year old, I was told I was supposed to wear a batiq; women were supposed to cover their hair when entering the church. I remember feeling so revolted by the idea that only women were supposed to cover their hair, that I found myself having a rather annoyed conversation along these lines with God 'You know what God!? If you want me in your church, you will have to accept me without a head covering, otherwise I am not entering, until men cover their hair as well.'. That was that, and never covered my hair.

Ever since I was a kid, I had vivid dreams. There was a lot of fear in many of these dreams. For this reason I experienced, and labelled them nightmares. Many of them were filled with spiritual, and religious symbolism; demolished churches, crosses with nailed Devils, priests, etc. These nightmares were always set in a dimly lit environment. A frequent presence in these nightmares was an entity I labelled the Devil. This entity would appear in the shape of a dark haired man with black eyes, and full lips. He would always taunt me, be lustful towards me, and tell me things like 'I will get you eventually', 'You will be mine', or 'You're cute' whenever I would pushback.

Because of these nightmares, I actively desired, and built a closeness to God, hoping for protection. Some of these nightmares were so intense, that they gave me ptsd. I remember that whenever I was home alone, any faint noise would trigger me to grab a Bible, keep it to my chest, and plead to God to keep me safe. While much less frequent, my nightmares followed me into my adulthood; although, as I grew up, I got better at controlling, and reasoning with my fear. I also started looking into the symbolism trying to find a rational reason I was having these nightmares.

While I had this rich experience, with dreams infused with spiritual symbolism, I was never what you would call a religious, or spiritual person. There was always something that bugged me when it came to religious teachings, as was the case for most other spiritual teachings I came across throughout my life. I was a Christian Orthodox in name only, and felt it would be pointless to look into other spiritual philosophies I could identify with, simply because I reasoned, you couldn't know which one was the 'right' one. I steered towards agnosticism reasoning that one could not possibly know if God did, or didn't exist, possibly until death. I was a skeptic for the most part, and I was more interested in the philosophical aspect of spirituality, rather than spirituality itself.

I remember that in May 2013, shortly before moving to London, I had a dream I ended up dismissing, just like I dismissed all my other dreams, or nightmares. In this dream, I was at my laptop, and I was having a rather casual conversation with a friend of mine. In the next instance of this dream someone knocked on my door, and asked for a needle.

After I  moved to London, one evening, I found myself having the same conversation from the above mentioned dream, with that very friend; this was a friend I had just reconnected with. I remembered the dream I'd had just a few months earlier, and the moment felt like deja-vu. Despite this, I wasn't that bothered by it, especially since no one knocked on my door to ask for a needle. I headed downstairs to get some water maybe. As I was walking down the stairs, I heard someone mention a needle. I, then realised, the house I was living in was the same house from my dream, a house I had only moved in, in July of that year. I found this to be freaky, but I didn't bother too much with it. Since no one knocked on my door, the experience in my dream wasn't identical to my lived reality, and I figured I couldn't label this dream as precognitive. I reasoned that when I had the dream I knew I was going to move to London, and figured there must be a rational explanation for it all, one I wasn't able to see then. 

I remember, how one night around that same time, I had another dream. The night before having this dream, I remember asking myself, 'How can you change perspective when you are unable to change the circumstance?'. That night, I dreamt I was in an environment made of a coloured air-like matter. There were yellows, oranges, pinks, and reds blending into each other, as if they were watercolours. It seemed like there was nothing around me, beneath, or above. I was made out of the same matter the rest of the environment was made out of. A gigantic humanoid entity made of the same matter, approached me. I was shown a landscape of houses, and trees somewhere down beneath. This landscape was made of the same matter, but at the same time, I was also able to see the green of the tree leaves, and the brown of roofs. As I was shown this landscape, I was explained how to change perspective. There were no words used, and looking back, it seems like the information was transmitted emotionally. In the next sequence of my dream, I was at a much higher level, although no levels could be distinguished. I was at an almost 180 degrees angle from the spot I was in initially, and I was looking down at the same landscape of trees, and houses.

When I woke up that morning, I had this frustrating feeling that I knew how to change perspective, like it was within me, but I had no words, or ways of articulating what I felt I knew.

The following year, I was still in London, but I had moved to different accommodation. I reconnected with a man I had had a toxic romantic dynamic with - G. - with our relationship having been an on and off type of thing. He came back into my life once again. We hadn't talked to each other in a few years. He was claiming to still be in love with me. He used to tell me we were probably soulmates, and did so once more. I still had feelings for him as well, and entertained the idea of giving it another shot with him. As I was living through this, there were news that Russia was getting ready to invade Crimea. At one point, I began being bombarded with what seemed like memories. They felt like deja-vu, and became excessive enough to cause me distress. They became more, and more frequent, and it was like I was living in a constant state of deja-vu. I don't remember when exactly, but at one point, I was able to remember I'd had a dream of that very same circumstance some years prior, as I was still living in Romania. I didn't really understand the dream initially, as while it seemed to have been precognitive, I wasn't able to make much of it. The memories I was having seemed to contradict one another, and they didn't make much sense as a sequence of events. 

Seeing some of the war related news in my feed triggered me to remember, how the day after I had the dream I recounted it to G. who was a regular presence in my life at the time. I remembered being fascinated, and telling him how I was scrolling through my Fb feed in my dream, but it looked different. There were all these professional looking photos, cool videos, and it just looked different. I didn't think much of the war related photos at the time, as I didn't remember bothering to read the captions. I only remembered seeing them. The impression I was left with was only that the photos had to have been taken by professional photographers. This was unusual at the time I had the dream, because my feed only contained regular photos, and statuses, the friends I was connected with, would post. My then fb feed was rather boring looking compared to what I had seen in my dream. This particular memory, in conjunction with memories around my relationship with G. at the time, helped me place my dream in 2010, 4 years prior. I was perplexed. I didn't feel I could believe such a thing was possible. I felt the need to investigate a little, and check if my memory was accurate. I googled images of Fb's UI in 2010 to see if it matched my memory, and it did. This was so shocking to me, that I had no idea what to make of it, but one thing was clear: I was experiencing the same exact circumstance I had experienced during a dream in my asleep state, 4 years prior to it becoming my reality. 

While it was the memory of the content in my Fb feed that fascinated me in 2010, the actual content of my dream was mainly about my and G's connection. As the time was going by, I was able to remember more and more, and I was able to piece back the bits and pieces I remembered. This caused an even bigger blow. I was remembering how in my dream I was chatting with G.. We had an argument, and broke up once again. I was in love with him, so I went back in my dream to a moment before the argument. I was hoping to avoid it, since I had the benefit of hindsight, and I knew what caused the argument. I managed to avoid it, only for us to end up arguing again, a few months later. This argument and resulting break-up felt like a permanent rupture. I was in love with him, and I didn't want to lose him. I went back in my dream to a moment before this 'second' argument, which seemed like a definitive sentence. I managed to avoid the 'second' one as well. This version of events of my dream seemed to take our relationship onto stable ground. Because our relationship had always been an on and off type of thing, breaking up with G. didn't even really register with me in 2010, when I had the dream.

I was seriously disturbed by the memory of this dream. I couldn't believe I not only had a precognitive dream I could place in time, but this dream contained three versions of events of that same exact circumstance, that was now unfolding in my life. I realised that if I wanted to, I could take my and G.'s relationship onto stable ground. I felt like I had a lot of control, control that made me uncomfortable. As the conversation that led to the 'first' argument in my dream started happening with G., I felt I had to tell him what was going on. He didn't take me seriously. I felt alone, and didn't know what to do. I simply didn't know how to act on the information I had. On one hand, I was still in love with G., but I felt that acting on the memories from this dream would be controlling and it didn't feel right. While it didn't feel right, the very existence of such a dream being possible was so shocking to me, that I found myself considering that my feeling could be misguided. I figured there had to be a purpose for why I would have such a dream, and why that dream would offer me such control of the outcome. Was it right to control the outcome, just because you could do so? It felt paralysing. 

I don't exactly recall when I remembered the entirety of my dream, but in the last part of it, after my and G.'s relationship had stabilised, I remembered there was fearmongering in the media on how AI will take over the world. I also remembered how while our relationship was now stable, I wasn't feeling as I thought I would be feeling. I was content, but not as fullfilled as I had thought I would be. You would think this deterred me from considering giving it another shot with G., but it didn't, as aside from having feelings for him still, the contents of my dream were just moments out of context, with feelings that may have, or may have not passed at some point in the future.  

In trying to sort through what I should do, I felt the need to ask myself if G. was right when he was saying we were soulmates. He was sincere whenever he mentioned this could be true of our connection, and I was desperate enough to seriously take this into consideration, so I started googling. I remember reading some articles that were making a comparison between twin flames, and other kinds of soul connections. After reading those articles, I couldn't help, but feel that our connection didn't really match the twin flame description. I felt unable to say G.'s soul was identical to mine. I thought, that if I was to go forward with him, then our connection had to match that description. While I felt our connection didn't match that description, felt, and believed his soul wasn't identical to mine, I also couldn't help but wonder about the precognitive aspect. It seemed to be ticking the 'psychic' abilities being triggered box. I also considered that maybe his soul doesn't seem identical to mine due to various factors I wasn't aware of. I thought it was possible his soul was identical to mine, but I couldn't see it yet. All in all, reading on twin flames didn't solve my predicament.

What I was living through triggered me to have all sorts of questions about God, and God's existence. What if this was God's way of sending me a message? I didn't even know if God was real, and in order to understand if it was a message from God, I first had to determine how I truly felt about God, and God's existence. 

I remember the Orthodox Easter fasting period was starting. Since I grew up in Eastern Christian Orthodoxy, even as an agnostic, and as someone who delved into other kinds of spiritualities, it was unquestionable that I was still making an association between God and religion. I felt I had to resolve that, and I felt to give God, one last chance. If I was to end up concluding the Christian Orthodox, or another version of the Abrahamic God must be real, fine; otherwise I was ready to label myself an atheist, or whatever label was appropriate for the conclusion I would end up reaching. In trying to give God one last chance, I thought it was only fair I do it 'right'. I planned to hold the Easter fast. I also started reading, and watching videos with religious advice, on what the best practices were. I remember I also started to read a prayer, and was planning to do so every day. It was a long prayer. Several pages long, but if it was what was expected from me, I was ready to conform. I lasted about two, or three days, when I felt, I was once again regurgitating words my heart wasn't into. I stopped with the prayer, but continued my fast. I expanded my reading, and video watching to figures from other religions, and spiritual philosophies. I was hoping that figuring out the God problem, will help me with what to do next, with what to do with precognition, and my dream. By the 11th day I was feeling I wasn't allowed to do anything I actually desired to do. Everything seemed to be sinful. I started feeling as if in pleasing God, the way spiritual, and religious figures were teaching, I was supposed to deny my own being. This idea truly upset me. I wanted to smoke a joint. I hadn't had any weed, or any fun for that matter since I started my fast. It seemed like there was no fun in the God these spiritual figures were talking about. I wanted to buy weed, but I observed myself feeling guilty. It was sin, and God wouldn't like that. It was in that moment that I said to God: 'You know what?! If you are real, and I have to go to hell, because I lived as who I truly am, I am going to willingly choose hell over this.' I was so upset over it all, that I was wanting to call myself an atheist. 

The following moments unfolded with rapidity; most of the following, were ideas I had thought of before, but never in a sequence. This time around, not only was I thinking, or somewhat feeling these ideas, but my circumstances caused me to fully feel through, and experience them. I think it was in that moment, that I felt all I was being taught by religion was that I was supposed to fear. I also felt, that if God is indeed loving, as all religions, and spiritual philosophies teach, then how could God want to keep you bound through the use of fear? This didn't seem like love. As I was feeling through all of this, I made a connection, and remembered the tarot card The Devil. It depicts a couple shackled to a throne, on which is sat the Devil. The imagery was reminding me of what I was going through. That's how fear felt like. Like shackles. Now, making an association with the tarot card the Devil, I felt, as if only the Devil could instill the kind of fear religion teaches. It all felt just like that; shackles made out of fear. Everything was sin, and if you didn't conform, you were going to burn for the rest of eternity in the hell fire. I, then, remembered a dream I had as a kid. 

In this dream I was in an environment that looked like hell. It was a nothingness of sorts, in fiery colours  - with yellows, and oranges, and pinks, and reds - blending into each other. I was in a roller-coaster. If I recall correctly, I hadn't even seen roller-coasters before. I was just a little girl living in a country that had only relatively recently entered its post-communist era. There was only one other person in this roller-coaster. There was only one cart empty between me, and this other person - a dark-haired man, with black eyes, and full lips. He kept taunting me. He would reach out his arm, as if to grab me. While I was within his reach, he would draw out his arm, laugh, and then repeat the same actions again. I remember feeling terrified. 

It was this when it dawned on me, that the fiery coloured nothingness, where yellows, and oranges, and pinks, and reds were blending into each other was strikingly similar to the environment from the dream I'd had two years before - the dream in which I was shown how to change perspective. 

I realised that the only difference in my perception of the environments in these two dreams was given by how I was feeling. I grew up convinced the roller-coaster dream was set in hell, while I had pleasant feelings of the environment from the dream I was shown how to change perspective.

I don't remember how it all started exactly, but I think it took me a few seconds to realise what was happening to me in that moment. I started to realise I was experiencing what had to be a connection with God. I felt as if invisible shackles broke loose from my wrists, and ankles. I felt Light, Truth and Love. I felt Love and Fear were two sides of the same coin. It felt like everything was a paradox, while no paradox existed. It felt like I was gaining some understading into how the Universe works. In part, this understanding seemed to be a result of my experience with that precognitive dream, and having seen the relationship between cause, and effect. 

I, then, felt able to identify flaws within religious concepts, and felt that while they hold some truth, the understanding of said concepts was flawed, and not fully true. I wouldn't be comfortable sharing the entirety of it, but as an example that I absolutely love: Sin is merely the act of denying/going against one's true nature, with 'sin' being a consequence of lack of love, rather than punishment. This is so, because I believe the Universe to be built on a foundation of Love, and Love to be built within human nature. I think that after understanding what 'sin' is and isn't, I felt relieved, as I realised that denying the gay was in fact what was 'sin'/lacking in love in God's eyes. I am not gay, but I always found myself empathising with the gay plight, and hurting for gay nature being condemned by religion as sinful. The reality is that God loves gay, and God doesn't want to pray the gay away. 

All of this happened in what felt like a matter of seconds. I also remember that at one point, I heard something. It wasn't sound. It was emotional in nature, but I 'heard' words. I 'heard' God. I won't say what I 'heard' exactly, but in that moment I became convinced God was real. I burst in tears of shame. It felt like I repentented in sackcloth and ash for having not believed in God's existence. My tears of shame, then turned into tears of joy at the realisation of having the privilege to have such an experience. 

I am not sure when, but at one point through this experience I also became aware of my eternal and infinite nature and existence.

As I fear religious associations with my experience, one last thing I will mention for now is that I believe God isn't Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, New Ager, or whatever. I also believe that while God may be 'saddened' for the lack of connection with atheists, atheism isn't as revolting as religious people might be tempted to think, and it surely isn't a 'hellable' offense. 

This experience left me feeling truly free to not identify with any spiritual philosophy. I consider the act of being to be enough.

*to be continued*