*the content on this site is constantly altered or adjusted to better reflect my experience*

Meeting A.

I met A. in 2015 in a club. The woman I was with that night, S., took a liking to a guy in the club. I encouraged her to strike a conversation with him, which she did. The guy she liked was accompanied by a friend of his who started chatting me up. I don't exactly remember how, but I remember we left the club with them, and I remember us having a conversation outside. I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember that at one point they invited us to go to their house. I had never done something like that before, because strange men scare me, however that night I was impartial. I was fresh after my spiritual experience, and I was high as a kite on Love. I felt untouchable, and like nothing bad could happen to me. Knowing S. liked that guy, I told her it was up to her, that if she wanted us to go with them, I was fine with it. She said they were just strange men in a rather light manner, to which high as a kite on Love me said I was ready to kick their assess, if they tried anything funky, and I was. A. high fived me when I said that, and we got in an Uber with those men.

On our way there we made some small talk, and I learnt what A. and M. did for a living. Someone said something about Marcus Aurelius, and S. made a statement about him, calling him an orator. I kindly smiled, and told S. he wasn't known for being an orator, with A. interjecting as well.

We reached A.'s home, and A. led us to a lounge room of sorts, with three sofas and a coffee table. I remember I sat down on the sofa opposite the door. I remember the room was lit only by the candles on the coffee table. A. asked us if we wanted something to drink, and a bottle of wine was opened, and I also asked for water. I remember A. opening the bottles in front of us, a gesture I appreciated A. for. I remember thinking it made him look beautiful, which had me thinking I must seem the same way, as I recognized myself in that kind of gesture.

We sat in pairs on two of the sofas. S. and M. on the sofa next to the door, and me and A. on the sofa facing them. I wasn't necessarily wanting to sit next to A., but since S. took a liking to M. it felt the most obvious arrangement. All of us started talking, and getting to know each other. We lit up, and split a joint, we had some wine, and everything seemed nice.

I don't remember at what point bits of memories from the dream I had at 17 started popping into my awareness, but I remember that it began with a feeling of darkness I couldn't quite understand. This darkness slowly turned into actual memories, although initially all I remembered was S. accusing M. of rape. When S. and M. started kissing, and making out, I started staring at them, watching their every move. A. kept trying to engage me in conversation, but I wasn't interested. I was literally ignoring him trying to make sure nothing weird was happening between S. and M.. I realised A. was finding me weird, but I didn't care. My priority was to make sure no rape was going to happen. I believe A. was annoyed at one point, which had me try to engage with him, as I didn't feel I could explain why I was staring at S. and M., without seeming even weirder. As I was trying to engage with A., my eyes kept going back on S. and M.. This prompted A. to ask me if I had a fetish for voyeurism. I don't remember what I answered, but it caused me to try harder with A.. Even so, I never lost S. and M. from my sight.

From what I remember, that night there were make out sessions followed by conversation breaks, during which we all got to know each other better. I remember how A. asked me something, although I don't remember what. In reply to his question I said 'There is no such thing as a coincidence'. I said this, simply because this is my understanding of the dynamic between consciousness, and the environment/Universe. I find it ironic I said that given the nature of my and A.'s connection, since I hadn't yet considered A. could possibly be someone with a soul indentical as mine within their body; I hadn't yet remembered the parts of my dream where I would go back, and forth between A. being the other half of my soul, or the Devil. I also remember A. asking me about myself, and me telling him I was into metaphysics, something which had A. tell me he hadn't heard that from someone, in a long time. I also remember how at one point I told A. I should have been a philosopher, to which A. replied that I already am one. It was also in one of those conversation breaks that S. asked A. where was he from, which prompted me to think his obvious British accent was from a different part of the UK. I don't know if he answered the question straight away, or if he asked for clarifications, but I remember him visibly upset as he said 'India'. Seeing him upset had me place my hand on his arm, in an attempt to comfort him. He was triggered by my gesture, and accused me of trying to stop him from being violent. He wasn't having it, no matter how many times I said that wasn't what I was doing. Between his anger, and my now feeling embarrassed, I didn't know how to answer when he asked me why I did that. My feeling of embarrassment around straight-up answering his question was a consequence of the environment I grew up in. He cooled down at one point, and chose to let it go, although I am unsure if he ever believed me.

It was also in these conversation breaks that I would constantly ask S. if she was ok, which caused her to get annoyed with me. She constantly reassured me she was fine. Even if this was the case, whenever S. and M. would start making out, I would resume my vigilance, albeit with more consideration for A.'s perception, for no other reason than that I wouldn't have known how to explain myself.

I don't remember when A. and I started making out, but I do remember feeling like my experience of it all was hazy and blurry, and like I had little self-control around him, which prompted me to ask him 'What are you? Temptation?'. I did suspect that the feelings I was having around him were a consequence of the fact that I was literally re-living a dream, but I felt the need to consider obvious possibilities, given my knowledge and understanding of human condition. As I didn't want to offend him, I remember first apologising for feeling the need to ask him if I was drugged. I also want to mention that while we did smoke weed that night, around that time in my life I was a daily smoker, which had me develop tolerance to it, so I knew weed alone couldn't have given me such sensations, let alone that intense.

A. kept wanting to be intimate with me, only to have me refuse him. It wasn't that I wasn't desiring him, that I wasn't feeling just as lustful as he was, but not only did I not want to lose track of what was happening with S. and M., but I was unsure if being intimate with him was right for me. Things were rather impassioned between A. and me, which had S. and M. repeatedly tell us to go get a room. It was around this time, that I remembered how I ended up alone with A. in my dream. I remembered how in my dream I thought of a friend I admired for her mastery of social situations, and inspired by my friend I, more or less jokingly told the two people facing us, to go get a room themselves, which A. encouraged. In 2015 when all of this was happening I consciously chose not to act on that. I also feel to mention that in 2015 it was the first time I thought of that friend in years, a friend who was present in my life in 2003, when I had the dream.

I only relaxed a little, and started paying more attention to A., only when S. and M. started being intimate. As I was feeling more relaxed, I started going on the pros, and cons of being intimate with A.. One of the reasons I refused to be intimate with A. in my dream was due to my choice of underwear. In 2015 when I met A., I had no intention of being intimate with anyone that night. Because of this, I saw no reason I wouldn't choose shapewear, and it seems this had to be the case in my dream as well. Due to the memory of having refused to be intimate with him due to my choice of underwear, I didn't want to allow that fear of being judged to make choices instead of me. As I couldn't help, but recognise the intense desire I was feeling towards A., I started feeling right for me was to be intimate with him, regardless of who he was.

It was me who instigated it, and asked him to do so this time around. As we were being intimate, I remember A. asking me to look him in the eyes. The eye contact felt too intense for me, and I was unable to sustain it. I remember how as I was trying to make eye contact I felt 'I was now lost to him'. As we were making love, as A. later on called our moments of intimacy, I also remember feeling he was everything I expected the other half of my soul would be.

The night unfolded with many sweet gestures between A. and me. I remember we were kissing at one point, while S. and M. kept making all sorts of remarks about us, which had A. tell me to ignore them, because they were jealous we fell in love. A. saying this surprised me, as I wasn't expecting it. Seeing my surprised reaction caused A. to pout, but I reassured him that I also fell in love. That night when I asked A. if this is how he treats all women when he meets them, A. reassured me I wasn't just another woman to him. That night A. also remarked we were very much alike. I felt sleepy at one point, and since the sofa wasn't big enough, and comfortable for both of us, A. insisted I sleep on top of him. I didn't want to do this as I was feeling too heavy for him to be comfortable like that. He insisted so much that despite my worries and insecurities, I relented. It seems I fell asleep almost instantly. As soon as I fell asleep on top of him, I started shivering, although I don't truly remember. This had A. ask M. to bring him a blanket. I remember with how much care A. tried to place the blanket on me, so I would stop shivering. Despite his effort, I woke up, and I was surprised to hear I not only fell asleep straight away, but I began shivering. I don't think my shivering was due to being cold. I think it was a reaction my body had to the amount of fear that circumstance triggered within me.

That night I did feel I could recognise my own soul within him, a feeling I hadn't had before, but even so a feeling is a feeling, and not necessarily a truth.

I remember going to the bathroom, but since I didn't know where the bathroom was A. accompanied me. When I got out of the bathroom, A. was waiting for me, and he pulled me into what I assume was his bedroom, which was right across from the bathroom. We started making out, and despite the fact that I really desired him, I kept trying to resist. It felt difficult to resist him, but eventually I managed to do so. This caused us to have a brief exchange, during which A. asked me if it was because I was worried about S., and told me M. wasn't the type. That question triggered me, as I didn't know what to answer, since I felt my answer will sound insane. I lowered my gaze, and tried to rush out of the room. This prompted A. to jump in front of me, and try to stop me by placing his hand on the door frame, right in front of me. As I crouched, and left the room walking underneath A.'s hand, he asked me 'Why do you keep running from me?'. The reality of it is that while I felt it was best if I stayed in that lounge room with S. and M. that night, between my dream which I had experienced as a nightmare, and the insanity I felt my story to be, I had no idea how to share all of that, or how to act around him.

After the bathroom incident, I remember sitting in A.'s lap facing him. I remember him telling me to lean out, but I kept saying no, as I didn't want him to drop me. He kept saying he won't drop me, and that I should trust him. I eventually conceded. It felt like an exercise of trust, and to be quite honest earlier that night, before I even considered A. could be the other my soul, I felt he was exactly the kind of man I imagined I could trust with my life. Such a thought was unusual, because generally speaking I am rather distrusting of people, and I had never felt like that about anyone. While I had such a feeling, I was still rational, and knew it was merely a feeling, and not necessarily the reality of my and A.'s connection, which is why when he told me to lean out, I still found myself worrying to trust him not to drop me. I think I feel the need to mention this, as I imagine that maybe one day A. will read all of this, and given A.'s distrust, accusations, and unfairness during the second time we met, I am left fearing him doing that to me again, since he constantly failed to address, or apologise for what happened.

Coming back to the experience of the first time we met, it was morning already. S. kept admiring his garden which was visible from the room's window, and kept suggesting we have a barbecue. I think A. was offended by that, and he made a remark I don't quite recall. I kindly called him out on his passive aggression. A. moved to the sofa by the window, and I asked him if he has control issues. I feel I did so in a kind and compassionate manner, as it triggered a sweet smile from him, while calmly saying something about how all of his issues seemed to surface. This had me tell him he was cute, which caused him to make a face I didn't understand. When I asked him if he didn't like that I called him cute, he said that no one called him that, maybe only his mother.

I remember A. was now lying on the sofa we shared all night, and I was sitting next to him. We were playing with each other's hand, when A. said we should be in a relationship. I don't exactly remember the sequence, but I think it was this when I told him it was too much, too soon, and asked him something along the lines of what does that even mean to him. I felt it was too much, too soon. I felt I had a lot to process around him, and while I genuinely fell in love with him, and he seemed like a sweet, and kind man, it felt rushed. In reply to my question of what does that even mean to him, he started listing a series of interactions people do in relationships; going shopping, making love, going on walks, making love.

A. brought us something to eat, and I think that as we were eating, A. said he was supposed to get ready to visit his niece/nieces - can't quite remember, while S. kept suggesting we have a barbecue. A. was annoyed by her for a while now, and I think he put up with her because it meant I was there. After we were done eating, I told S. we should leave, and I don't think she resisted my idea. Before leaving, A. asked me when he could see me again, but I said I didn't know, since I had to get my stuff in order, as I was getting ready to go back to my home country in two weeks. He said we had to see eachother again before I left, and gave me his business card.

He called a taxi. I asked A. if he could lend me a t-shirt as my dress was inappropriate for a Sunday morning. He brought me a t-shirt, and me and S. went outside to wait for the taxi. As we were waiting, all of a sudden, S. started lashing out at me, calling me a slag, telling me she didn't know anything about me, despite her having known me for 4 years at that point. All my belongings, and the money I had left were in her purse, as I hadn't brought a purse or bag with me that night. Since she was acting erratic, and kept picking on me, I realised there was no way I could even get her to pay for the fare. I felt that given the way she was acting, my only option was to go back, and ask A. for money for the fare. I was embarrassed to do that, but I didn't see any other option given that we were far from home. When the taxi arrived, I asked how much the fare would be, and the driver said $40. I went back, and M. answered my knock on the door. A. was in the hallway as well. I don't recall how, or what I said exactly, but I remember telling him I have no other option, but to ask him for money for the taxi fare. He felt $40 was too much saying he can't believe that, and handed me $30, which I took without complaining. In the car, on the way home, S. kept calling me shady, a slag, and all sorts of other names. Before we even reached her home, as the taxi was stopped in traffic, she jumped out of the car. She was wearing a short, transparent dress that while it may have been appropriate for a BDSM club, surely wasn't appropriate for that time of the day. I reached my hand towards the taxi driver, and gave him the $30 I had, then rushed out running after her. I felt sorry for the taxi driver, but there was nothing else I felt I could do in that moment. The scene must have been quite the sight for passersby. I was more clothed, but I still looked odd, while she was running, gesturing, and loudly saying all sorts of mean and ugly things I can't remember, with me running after her.

*to be continued*