Emails I Sent to A.

 *the content on this site is constantly altered or adjusted*

I am well aware of the perception most people could have of me reading these emails. For this reason I feel to point out that my experience was outside of conventional frameworks of understanding, and I was left to navigate it alone, without any support. I had no maps or guides to make sense of an experience that broke me and my spirit, an experience that shattered the nature of reality as I knew it. 

The following emails were sent during rather overwhelming, and intense moments in my life when I was navigating and processing anger, hope, and uncertainty. They are merely reactions to my perception and assumptions of truth. While this is the case, I feel they are illustrative for just how much a silence that I felt was cruel, unfair, and controlling took from me; how much of impact it had on my ability to understand and process the actual truth of my reality; I was left to fill in the many blanks of a devastating and life altering experience. This resulted in what ended up being an extreme mental and emotional seesaw, as my mind and soul were trying to understand, and process my emotions on my journey of healing from it all.

These were sent in 2024. They were sent in reaction to what happened between us, and came as a consequence of my being unfairly accused of bigotry, and being left to feel misunderstood, dumb and slow. I do want to mention that I fully understood A.'s reactions at the time, as I empathized with his pain at what he perceived to be bigotry against him. My perception of his reactions, and failure to address what happened between us shifted throughout the years, due to what I came to understand as an excessive dismissal and denial of my lived reality and experience. 

While to those reading, it will probably seem that I have some understanding about what was going on, and in regards to how A. felt for me, the reality of it is that for the most part, I was feeling stupid to voice the scenarios I was imagining were happening, while other times I was feeling much too mentally and emotionally overwhelmed to be able to express what I was imagining or feeling to be true. My hope for various positive and loving scenarios isn't very apparent in these emails, but please consider the fact that while I was feeling an incredible amount of anger, my tone was still rather controlled and that was in part a result of the hope that not only A. felt the same for me, but that he wouldn't treat me and my pain in such a dismissive manner - not without good enough reason. I found myself hopeful, both because despite the decade long silence I was still finding myself in love with A., the man whose body hosts my very own soul, and because my Facebook was being stalked or its algorithm tampered with. It sounds like a wild thing to consider, but given his line of work it is the most reasonable conclusion I can reach, for my feed to have been as out of the ordinary as it was. 

I feel embarrassed about the excessive number of emails I sent to A., but they helped me further my understanding, as they helped me with the immense anxiety, and general eroded mental health I was experiencing, as a result of navigating a decade long reality and life altering experience. In the span of two years - the amount of time these particular emails covered - I went through what I can safely label as an extreme mental and emotional seesaw looking for answers. While the below emails are largely the same, they did suffer some modifications out of a desire to better articulate my experience, and my evolving understanding of a circumstance I have yet to have actual clarity on.

For better clarity regarding the below series of texts, I feel to mention that one or two years after I met A., I had another dream which was precognitive in nature. This dream featured an incredible amount of versions of events regarding my and A.'s connection, and its future. Based on my observations of my experience with precognition, I feel to mention that there is causation between the contents of these precognitive dreams of mine, and the feelings I experience right before having these dreams. These dreams are also just projections of potential progressions of the feelings and emotions we may choose to engage. I believe precognitive dreams of such nature are possible, because in reality the future does not exist, as it is merely an extension of the present moment.

The very existence of this dream is indicative of anxiety around not knowing where I stand with A., and I believe the dream was a result of my lack of understanding of what I can expect from A.. I also want to mention that out of a desire to have my mental and emotional anguish end, I shared many of these versions of events with A., in the hopes that it will have him shed light on it all, something that hasn't happened.

I am sure I seem dumb to fail to understand this is not a man who could possibly love me, but not only did I experience some whack scenarios in that precognitive dream I had in the aftermath I met him, but my hopes were fueled by having my Instagram hacked, and having my Facebook stalked for the most part of 2024.

Also for better clarity and comprehension, in the emails below, I make mentions to what I call 'the war dream'. This is a dream I had in 2014, right after I engaged in Islamophobic rhetoric in the aftermath of a sexual assault, and during the time Russia was invading Crimea.

In this particular dream, I was living in what seemed to be a student dorm. I was forced to live there, alongside many other people I didn't know before, after a war erupted. Despite everything, we were going about our life as well as we could in those circumstances, and life seemed relatively quiet those days. My brother seemed to be in the same dorm. At one point, some agitation started going on in the dorm. I didn't understand what was happening exactly, but I think I heard someone around me say that soldiers were roaming the building. I hadn't seen any soldiers, but I understood from other people, we were supposed to head towards the exit. I wondered where my brother was, as I couldn't see him. I feared for his safety, and wanted to go look for him. There was a lot of confusion going around, and people were scared. Out of fear, I started heading towards the exit. I was going down the main stairs of the dorm. As I was going down those stairs, I started worrying about them finding the emails I sent to A., a Muslim man. I worried about what it meant for me. I don't know what year it was during the events happening in my dream, but I had the awareness of having stopped writing to A. in 2017. I worried about what it meant for me, because I was also aware they went Nazi Germany style on Muslim people. I also remember worrying about rape. As I was approaching the exit, I saw a soldier guarding it. He was of East Asian ethnicity, and he was wearing an olive coloured uniform.

The memory of this dream was triggered into my awareness in 2017, as I was pondering to stop writing to A.; it was the memory of it that had me write again that year.

I also feel to mention that I kept asking A. to talk to me for quite a few years, only to be met with polite refusals. This was the reason I ended up stalking his social media. While during our last exchange he did say things like go live your life, they were accompanied by him constantly repeating 'I have no answers' despite him clearly being aware my claims we have the same soul weren't irrational, as they were also accompanied by 'realise I do care for you, and am upset you have felt like this', as well as 'I will always be here.'

______________

I said I will stop writing to you. I feel excessive writing again, but then I wonder, how is it that no one on that end feels just as excessive for denying me something as simple as healing? I kept hoping each email I sent would be my last, because I was needing, and hoping for this to end, and because I was afraid you will think, and believe all sorts of things about me. I seem to live in constant fear you won't understand, or see how much I've been struggling.

I wrote something, and as my feelings fluctuated, I kept changing it up. It was constantly like this, because no matter what I write, I always end up feeling something's not quite right, or worry you will misinterpret what I wrote. I just realized where this feeling, that is surely excessive, comes from; this fear of being misinterpreted. And then I worry I will say, or do something wrong, and I will be disproportionately punished for it. And then I worry that no matter what I do won't be good enough anyways, because you won't even try to understand where I am coming from. I realise I kept falling into the trap of trying to explain myself, because I constantly worried you will either see something that isn't, or just not see things for what they are. And the sad part about that is that I still find myself having difficulty expressing all of this. More often than not, there is this lump in my throat, and I just end up struggling expressing myself.

I needed the limbo I've been through to end, and this past year and a half, I kept going back and forth on the possibilities, because I needed to understand, because I didn't want to be unfair to either of us, and because I am only interested in the truth and nothing less will do. I am embarrassed about the manner in which I expressed myself, and for plenty of my actions. I was mentally and emotionally overwhelmed to a degree I haven't experienced before. I also believe that had you communicated with me early on, regardless of your truth, while I wouldn't have failed to stand up for myself, I would have done so in a kinder, and more composed way, even from such a mentally and emotionally overwhelming space. I really dislike most of it, which is why I find myself trying to write yet another that reflects what I truly believe, and how I truly feel about it all, in a more coherent manner. As far as this being disrespectful towards your relationship, I never meant to do such a thing at any point. When I sent that Goodbye email, I was aware you were in a relationship, and I said Goodbye, because I understood you were in a relationship. I also realise that I do not owe that much respect to people who knew I was suicidal, to people who knew the stress I was going through contributed to a MS flare. I don't owe that much, when I was constantly refused healing from a traumatic experience that was built on unfairness. I don't owe that much, when I am still having anxiety attacks. It was only several nights ago that I woke up at 2am with an anxiety/panic attack, and paced around my apartment until 4am trying to soothe myself. Besides, I never once asked you to love me, to want me, to be with me.

After all that happened those two nights we met, I empathised with your pain. And because I empathised with your pain, and because I believed your feelings were genuine when we met, I thought it was possible you were awaiting some sort of palpable evidence from me, that we do have the same soul, and that the second night we met had nothing to do with you being Muslim, and I understood that. I understood my story sounds insane, I understood how you must have felt that second night, and I understood we simply had different experiences. Because of the general confusion, and fear I was experiencing, because I was aware how insane my story sounded, a story to which you had already reacted poorly, and because I didn't remember much from our interactions, I constantly felt like my hands were tied. What I ended up doing was to try to explain myself, to constantly second guess and question my reasoning regarding the nature of our connection, and to deconstruct my relationship with racism, and Islamophobia. It was my constant second-guessing, and questioning that ended up triggering the vast majority of my memory back into my awareness. And while I empathised with your pain, and your reaction, I can't help, but feel hurt as a result of your unfairness, knowing I was simply being honest with you that night. I tried to move on many times, but it wasn't until much later that I realized I was unable to do so because our connection remained unresolved.

In regards to my memory, while I realised from the very beginning I had quite a few gaps, I became aware of the extent of how much I forgot only later on. My memories from mere dreams I had had at 12&17yo were far more vivid than what I was remembering from the two nights we met. If I failed to mention my missing memory, it was because I didn't want you to believe I was piling onto S.'s accusations. I wasn't trying to hide my missing memory either, or to pretend things were different than they were. I just didn't think it would be a good idea to go over it in an email.

I considered calling you earlier on, but since you kept disappearing, and kept leaving me on read, I let go of that idea, and kept it to emails. I felt they were less intrusive, and figured you needed some space. Afterwards, it felt too late, and no longer right to call. I wanted to stop writing to you plenty of times. I wrote many emails trying to explain myself - emails I never sent. My constant attempts to try to explain where I was coming from were what helped me process this entire thing.

In 2017, I had no intention of sending yet another email, but then I remembered that war dream, and ended up writing again. I didn't feel comfortable sharing that dream with you, after the way you reacted that second night, but I hoped that maybe one thing, will lead to another. Since I seemed to have a 'track record' when it comes to precognition, I believed that was something you should know, and something you should be mindful of, because I would really hate to know that even on the off chance that was going to happen, I could have maybe helped keep you just a little safer, but I did nothing about it. I find it funny that email got sent last year, as I had been waiting to share that with you since 2017, but I never knew how.

The entirety of this experience was traumatic for me, and I believe it was only natural I would seek to understand, so I could heal from it. No matter what you believed of me, or how you saw me, I was saying I believed we have the same soul. I didn't say that to you, because I was trying to 'wake' you up to that reality; the true and objective reality; a reality I found myself wanting to deny lately, as I like to believe I deserve better than this. I was trying to share that with you, the second night we met, but you never let me get there. I was trying to share that with you, since I kind of thought you would be as thrilled as I was, because I was honestly over the moon. I was trying to share that with you, because you left me with the impression you fell in love with me. My mentioning it afterwards via email, came as an attempt to try to explain myself, because I was hoping you will see you were being unfair to me, and I was still hoping you wanted me, just as much as I wanted you.

Despite knowing what it all was about for me, because I failed to remember a good chunk of our interactions, I constantly found myself unable to adequately defend myself, and felt the best I could do was to say that nothing that happened between us had anything to do with prejudice. While I believed this to be true, because you never reacted, because I was feeling guilt towards you, the other half of my soul, for having engaged in Islamophobic rhetoric in the aftermath of a sexual assault, and because I hadn't yet fully felt through my relationship with Islamophobia, I found myself fearing that maybe something Islamophobic transpired from my subconscious; something I couldn't remember. In trying to resolve that fear, I ended up deconstructing the entirety of my relationship with racism, and Islamophobia. It's funny, because that entire second night I had a total of two thoughts to do with you being Muslim, both quite late into the night. Your Muslimness wasn't something I was concerned with, and I simply didn't look at you like that. You were never A. the Muslim man to me; you were A., a man who happened to be Muslim. One of those two thoughts I had regarding you being Muslim was a single thought, and it was intrusive in nature; the other was a train of thoughts. Both were triggered by you incessantly implying I had an issue with you being Muslim. The train of thoughts happened after your cousin came home. Since you just kept bringing it up, no matter how many times I said it had nothing to do with it, I felt forced to try to apply to you every single Muslim stereotype I could think of. The worst of them. There weren't that many to begin with, but I wanted to see if that was a fit for my fears. The only reason I wanted to see if that was the case was because I was trying to 'humor' you. What I concluded was that even if you were the worst, and most horrible Muslim man I could think of, that would have been much too worldly/earthly to match the fear I was experiencing.

My aim that second night was to try to show you why I believed we have the same soul. I was incredibly scared, but while that was the case, I was very much aware that every single fear I had about you stemmed from my labelling those dreams as nightmares, and from labelling you, the man from those nightmares, the Devil. There was no awareness of you being Muslim in either of my dreams; therefore, that couldn't have been in my unconscious either. In one of those two dreams, I did observe your ethnicity, although there was no association between your ethnicity and Muslim. It was also in that dream that I had a thought my then-consciousness was afraid fell into fetishisation territory. It wasn't the case, but that's beyond the point. I only remembered this part late last year, but in one of those two dreams, you did share your social, and political views with me. That was your way of making me feel safe, and it was one of the reasons I believed you to be too good to be true in my dream. I think I even said to you that I don't really believe you are like that, or something along those lines anyway, and we ended up having a brief exchange about it. Your worldview was clearly a part of my unconscious mind, and despite the lack of memory of this part of my dream, I became convinced your worldview couldn't be any different than mine soon after we met. While I believed this had to be the case, it wasn't something I knew to be true either, so it didn't feel appropriate to show that side of myself in my emails to you.

S.'s question 'Where are you from?' had me thinking your very obvious British accent was from a different part of UK. I only understood the question when I saw your reaction. I remember you accusing me of trying to stop you from being violent, which didn't even cross my mind. My gesture was an attempt to comfort your displeasure at such a question, displeasure I completely understood. I feel it's important to add that the moment S. asked that question, I hadn't yet thought about us having the same soul. For the most part of the evening, I was mostly preoccupied with what was going on with them. My point is that whatever thoughts I had, or didn't have of you weren't driven by the idea that we have the same soul, either.

Another thing I want to add is the fact that after we met, I thought that were you to have a similar spiritual experience to mine that would be the unequivocal proof we have the same soul. I felt guilty for even thinking that, and I didn't want to do that to you, so I figured there must be other ways of reaching knowing on the matter.

I went over every single thing in my memory regarding my relationship with Muslimness, and I also deconstructed the entirety of my relationship with racism. I would be uncomfortable labelling myself, but I feel it would be safe to say that the reality of it is there was a very clear pattern of behaviour, with very few exceptions to it. I found that while I grew up in an environment that was conducive to racist, and prejudiced views in general, I seem to have reacted by going in the opposite way. I feel that the positives in both thoughts, feelings and emotions, as well as behaviors outweigh the negatives by far. I will though mention that, because I became afraid I could be an Islamophobe, I became more conscious, and aware of my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and perceptions in regards to, and around Muslim people in the year before we met. I remember making sure I observed, and didn't overlook the positives of the Muslim community I lived around, as I did my best to make sure I treated each, and every Muslim person, as I would treat members of any other group, as individuals first, and foremost. I had a tendency to analyse my interactions with Muslim people, as I didn't want to be biased, but I was being mindful to not try to overcompensate either. I also remember that before my spiritual experience I was listening to Imams' advice alongside spiritual figures from other theological/spiritual philosophies.

More likely than not, we grew up in vastly different environments, and I believed earlier on, that yours was likely more loving than mine was. Besides, a man's experience through life is wildly different from a woman's, and you got to be nurtured in ways I never was, as I was nurtured in ways you never were. I get to be pretty, and when I don't fit those social standards of what is physically aesthetically acceptable, I hardly have any value. I did get to be intelligent, although never as intelligent as I am, and surely not as intelligent as the men around me. I get to be an angry, too sensitive, and difficult woman when I express discomfort with how I am treated. I get to be too much, and not enough at the same time. I get to be emotional. And the whole view on feelings, and emotions society has is one of the most irrational patriarchy perpetuated. The irony of irrationality being an actual truth, when it comes to views on feelings and emotions, and the patriarchy. And even if you & I were nurtured differently, I always found nature was very much apparent in both of us. I never believed we were any different, quite the opposite. I was at the direct opposite end of othering vs inclusion/belonging throughout all of our interactions.

I always knew, and understood we have the same soul, but I ended up constantly second-guessing and questioning my reasoning. It was the constant second-guessing and questioning that eventually triggered all the memories back into my awareness. Every time I thought I found a gap in my reasoning, I was reminded of yet another detail that would end up closing that gap. It went like this until there were no gaps left. Even if lately, I found myself wanting to deny we have the same soul, I am always drawn back to the reality of it. I am always drawn back to the amount of evidence that says the very same thing. I only ever needed to know what I am supposed to accept, so I can be done with it.

I was only ever interested in the truth of the matter. Was I supposed to accept that the other half of my soul loved, didn't love me, or was it all just a lesson? While some of the possibilities would have been more painful than others, either would have been fine for me, because I believed there would be value in all possible scenarios.

It's my fault too I guess, because I second-guessed my reasoning when there was nothing to second-guess. God/The Divine being involved, indicating a spiritual/divine connection. God's Love being present, and fresh within my soul, which meant I could only attract Love. An understanding into the natures of Love and Fear. My biggest fear being triggered. Probably your biggest fear being triggered. Unusual circumstances at the moment of meeting. Almost instantaneous connection, something that never happened to me before. Difference in cultures, spirituality, and overall environment. And to top it all off, I dreamt of you in my asleep state 12&17 years before we met. Everything I had once read to indicate the presence of the other half of one's soul was there.

I am still finding myself fascinated by the fact that I desired you even in my awake state, 12 years before actually meeting you. I understand that's crazy to even imagine, let alone believe it, and yet it happened. I vividly remember that dream, and the events surrounding it, as the dream was traumatic in itself. I remember how in looking for information on tantric sex, I stumbled upon a twin flame article just a day before having that dream. I remember feeling it was a lovely idea, but it had to be a myth, and didn't think much of it. I distinctly remember how after the dream, I actually wondered if dream-you, or the man in my dream as I called you then, was a symbol for me. I remember how I couldn't get you out of my mind the following day at school. I remember feeling shame, and guilt for desiring a man I feared to be the Devil. I remember how in trying to resolve the shame, and guilt I felt for desiring you, I felt forced to admit I want a man just like you, but preferably, without the fear. I distinctly remember the thought 'preferably', as if I knew fear was a package deal. I felt you were everything, I didn't even know I wanted. Who, ever imagined, that dream was going to come to life 12 years later? I remember looking into BDSM some time before that dream happened, but I stumbled upon some erotica that wasn't my jam, and I thought that my idea of BDSM must have been wrong. It was this why I moved onto an interest in others, like tantric sex...until I had this dream, which left me with the feeling, and belief that BDSM would in fact be my jam, which eventually led to me being in that club that night.

This was bound to have a strong impact on me. Besides, since I experienced these dreams as nightmares, unbeknownst to me, I was already having to heal from trauma around you when we met in 2015. Heaviness aside, I find this to be a pretty mind-blowing experience. I dreamt of you 12&17 years before we met, and then I got to meet you.

While both dreams were traumatic in themselves, the dream I had at 17 was traumatic enough to desperately have me wanting to forget it, unlike all other nightmares I had before, or after it. That was because of the rape accusation at the end of it. It was all fun, and games until then. As I was dreaming, I was aware I was experiencing my future, although I completely dismissed that possibility, both in my dream, and in my awake state. I also remember how as soon as I woke up, I found myself fearing that experience was going to be a part of my future

All I can imagine sometimes is how you knew we have the same soul from the very beginning, and all you did is try to run from accepting any responsibility for this experience, and connection. I imagine you knew from the beginning, but let me spend a decade in limbo. If that is the case, I feel it was a horrible thing to do, because that limbo really messed with me. While you are free to choose as you wish, I fear you misinterpreted that freedom to mean you can hurt me, and do to me whatever you wanted, regardless of how cruel, how unfair, or disrespectful it would be towards me.

One of the reasons I am wondering if you knew and agreed we have the same soul early on, is because in the months, or maybe year following our encounters, I had two, or maybe three dreams which were saying you are in essence gaslighting me. At the time, I couldn't imagine you doing such a thing, but after all this time, and given your ambiguity, I can't really trust that wasn't the case. At this point I feel I would be a fool to not consider such a possibility. If that is true, I could have been spared of the limbo, and distress of trying to find answers.

Regarding the whole God thing… I do not believe myself to be God's chosen, or special like that. I was simply the right person, in the right circumstances, mental, and emotional spaces conducive to that kind of experience. This being said, while I will always give credit, and appreciate God's offer of Love, I also had some merit in reaching that space. My point is that I am neither as horrible, nor as dumb, and stupid, as you left me feeling. I am not the most intelligent, or well-read person by far, and I surely have my moments of stupidity, but I still needed some intellectual curiosity, and understanding into various concepts to be able to direct my awareness to make the observations I made throughout my life, and experience. You should also know that the word 'bright' does not offend me. I don't have an issue with it being used to describe me. Because you failed to address anything that happened between us, I never knew if you were being sincere whenever you referred to me as bright, or merely being polite, or worse sarcastic. This was the case for all other complimentary words you used towards me, as last we interacted I was neither bright, nor lovely and sweet.

This was truly abundant in ironies. I see most, if not all ironies, and that is usually the case for everything around me, or within me. If I failed to mention something, it isn't because I also failed to see. I am much more conscious, and aware of things around, and within me, than you gave me credit for.

Sometimes, I believe I was just another woman after all, but in that scenario, I also believe you were just another man.

________________

I wouldn't dare write yet another email, but considering I have things left to say, and considering that my Facebook seems to have these ideas that I either am, or am wanting to be a Muslim woman, given the type of ads, and posts I've been getting in my feed, I dare write this one as well. Such posts and ads are pretty unusual, because spirituality is not the type of content I consume. I only get the occasional ad for something related to Christian Orthodoxy. Ads relating to Christian Orthodoxy aren't surprising to me, since not only do I have plenty of connections on Facebook that post stuff like that, but I live in a country whose majority population identifies as Christian Orthodox. Facebook also seems to think I am from somewhere in South Asia and maybe Middle East given the amount of Indian, Bangladeshi, or Nepalese content in my feed, as well as posts, and ads in what seems to be Arabic language. All of this is aside from other weirdness, and excessiveness of content, I find myself associating with you for one reason, or another. Because of this, I can't stop myself from thinking that you are somehow checking my Facebook, which has me daring write another email. I do not really understand what space this is happening from, as it doesn't really tell me much. I see various possibilities for why that could be happening. Believe it, or not, at times, I also find myself questioning whether you are receiving or reading my emails, because I can't know, what I don't know.

I looked into the whole expectations thing, and asked myself whether, or not I expected you to love me. For a while I thought I held the expectation that the other half of my own soul would love me, as it was only natural such an expectation would come with awareness of this kind of connection, but I am not entirely sure this is true. While this may or may not be true, in absence of your input, and due to your failure to resolve our connection, I never knew what I should, or could expect from you. Because I thought highly of you, at the time, I imagined it was possible you were waiting for something palpable, given that you were constantly vague, and constantly failed to address anything that happened between us, and anything I was saying. I believed it was possible you were also scared, and you didn't know what to make of it all, as I understood just how insane my story sounded.

I feel my Goodbye email was a thorny issue for some reason. Maybe it was a thorny issue for me, because I knew it would leave little room for doubt as to the space I was in that second night. I shared those dreams with you only then, because it took me a long time to be able to put them in writing in a coherent manner. Even if my memory of them was rather vivid, they were just dreams after all, dreams I had had 12&17 years before meeting you. I was hoping that email will release me, as I figured that if you hadn't been inclined to move towards me until then, it meant your feelings for me weren't genuine, or strong enough, and that wasn't the kind of energy I was wanting. One of the reasons I even got to meet you was because I wasn't willing to settle for anything less than actual genuine love.

After my Goodbye email I tried to move on once again, but I still found myself unable to form connections. It was only after that moment that I came to realize I was unable to move on, because to me you left my life with no actual explanation. It went from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye, regardless of how many times I said it had nothing to do with prejudice.

Since I found myself fearing you questioning my sincerity, I feel to say that after my spiritual experience I said no lies whatsoever, not even white lies for a very, very long time, or at least not lies I was aware, or conscious of being lies, nor did I have any desire to be dishonest. I did end up saying a few white lies, because I needed to spare myself of intrusive people, but even those always came with a guilty conscience. Generally speaking, I don't lie. Lies fall on the unloving spectrum because in doing so there is failure to take responsibility for something, or failure to deliver one's truth in a loving manner. This being said, some lies are more understandable than others, and everything should be judged on a case by case basis.

Before that second night happened, I also asked myself if I would have brought up that subject if you had been a man with a different religious identity, and in that circumstance the answer was yes. You could have been an East Asian Mormon man, and it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest. I felt it would have been unfair towards us, both, to avoid touching over a subject I really felt the need, and desire to touch upon just because you were a Muslim man. I did consider how the subject matter would make you feel, but knowing I had more, or less been an agnostic, and disliked religion my entire life, I believed it was likely you were no different. I also thought it was possible your relationship with God was the same as mine was. I realise I failed to understand the complexity of your experience as a British Muslim man. I failed to understand your faith, and you implicitly, are under constant scrutiny. And even without understanding all that, I trust I wouldn't have gone on about it like that, seeing how much it upset you. I feel I am receptive enough to people's feelings to stop myself when I see I am the cause of their distress. I did not, however, expect to find myself reliving yet another nightmare. I said my aim was to show you how I reached the belief we have the same soul, but while I tried to push through my fear to get to that place, I also hoped the subject matter will protect me, just in case. I understood my fear must be irrational even then, but my fear was also very overwhelming, and intense.

Shortly after my spiritual experience, I became convinced there was no such thing as the Devil, but having experienced that second night in a nightmare I had when I was merely 12, and then reliving that exact circumstance with you, the fear I experienced during that nightmare took over me. My memory registered you as 'The Devil was sitting on a red velvet chaise longue, across from me'. I literally uttered that to someone in nov 2013 as I recounted the dream of what was to be the second night we met. I also very distinctly remember I felt guilty for saying that, as if I was unfair, to then think I was being silly to worry about a label I placed on a man from a dream. As I was dreaming - in my asleep state - of the second night we met, I remember thinking the man I was looking at was interesting. I remember thinking I was going to have an interesting future, when all of a sudden it dawned on me I was once again in a dimly lit environment. Because I was lucid dreaming, I started feeling terrified that the man I was looking at was just the Devil being all nice to me, so he could get me. Around that time in my life I had frequent nightmares with an entity my mind labeled the Devil, an entity that would taunt me, and oftentimes tell me he was going to get me. Once again, I completely dismissed the possibility that I could be experiencing the future even in my dreams, and even more so, in my awake state.

I still feel embarrassment over your social media, because I never wanted to go about things in that manner. Since this was something that came up from you in various versions of events - I wasn't keeping tabs on you. The only reason I ended up engaging with your social media was because I was tired of your constant polite refusals to talk to me, because I was afraid you weren't even a real human, and because many of the memories from 'the dream I had after we met' that kept popping up, which were telling a different story than the experience I was having.

I didn't rely on those memories from my dream when I whatsapped you, because I didn't feel I could. I only whatsapped you, because I still felt unable to move on, despite my efforts. It was only quite a while after my Goodbye email that I realised, became aware, and was able to articulate for myself that I was finding it very difficult to move on, because our connection remained unresolved.

Also, if I shared as much as I did these past two years, it was only because this was a snowball getting bigger on its way downhill from the moment I believed it was possible I was being messed with last summer. When I went for that version of events from my dream, I went for it for a number of reasons. I found our email exchange very weird. I found you saying 'I want the best for you' to possibly point to that scenario. I found you constantly saying 'I have no answers', while you clearly knew what I had been saying all those years was in fact quite reasonable to point to the same possibility. I found you saying 'I spend all my time walking in nature' because it was completely irrelevant, to point to that same possibility. I also believed your constant refusal to talk to me to be unlike you, given that before I engaged with that possibility you knew exactly the amount of distress I was experiencing, and how all of this affected, and it was still affecting me. I know myself to be someone who has plenty of empathy, and I know myself to be someone who doesn't run from responsibility. By extension, I believed you to be the same.

While in the aftermath of us meeting, I was largely unaware of these versions of events from my dream, I did feel your refusal to resolve things could end up in a place such as this. I felt unable to stop things from getting here, although I did try to do just that by constantly asking you to talk to me. The best I felt I could do in my circumstance was to be open and honest with you to the best of my ability as per my awareness. To me, you were worth it enough that I would have gone to hell for you alone, but I didn't feel that would be fair towards either of us in that circumstance. If I did go to hell that was because of the necessity of having to heal myself from a traumatic experience. I told you right off the bat that I fear, that without your input the road to knowing will be long, and painful. I feel it is you the one who put this in motion when you failed to resolve a connection you presumably understood in 2017. Please do not tell me how your life took on a course of its own when it was you the one who took that course.

I will never say I made no mistakes, or errors in judgement, because I like to allow room for those possibilities, since I understand I am just a flawed human being. I was also having a rather heavy experience, and was constantly having to take what feels like a wild amount of things into consideration. All I can say is that I constantly tried to make the right choice, the loving choice. I am imperfect, and I make mistakes, but I always had the tendency, and desire to correct myself, as I've always been rather reactive to my conscience, something my spiritual experience only exacerbated.

Not only did I constantly try to make the loving choice, but I was mindful of the mirror symbolism, and the possibility that I could be the Devil. I was scared that maybe I am the Devil in our story, but I've come to realise that not only did I constantly try to act in good conscience, but I was also aware of the irrationality of my fear, as I also never saw anything ugly, or worthy of the Devil label when looking at you.

I also need you to understand this experience was a lot for me to go through, and I am finding it really complicated to put into writing. I was also asking you to not read into my words through this, because I was severely mentally and emotionally impaired, and I had a lot of difficulty expressing myself from that space. I have much more mental clarity, and I am feeling somewhat better, but I still find myself unable to say I am well. Besides, while I do know my English is pretty good, it still isn't my native language.

I am still going over possible scenarios. I feel really split on what to believe, because on one hand, I feel I cannot trust any scenario in which you have feelings for me, and on the other hand I believe all other scenarios simply look very much unlike you, as I struggle believing you to be as callous, and as awful of a person as you seem in many of the scenarios running through my mind, as I am trying to understand this. In all honesty I struggle seeing much, if any good right now. I struggle with that, because of all the distress I went through, because of all the distress I went through these past two years. It feels so incredibly excessive, and so incredibly unnecessary.

I could not have let go of this, because my peace, and my freedom were dependent on me solving, and resolving what was a traumatic experience. I've never been scared of you as a Muslim man. I am now, though scared of the man in Muslim. Isn't it ironic you feared, I feared Muslim to only leave me fearing you are just another man, no different than other men I met before you?

Judging by my fears, and the simple fact that I am left feeling much too complicated of a woman for you is telling enough in regards to where my fears lied, or what I subconsciously associated with the Devil. It never had anything to do with any Muslim stereotypes. Physical violence never even occurred to me, and it was never a fear I had at any point. It seems I am more basic, as I find regular non-violent man enough to be feared.

Since this was something that seems to have been a misunderstanding between us, I feel the need to mention that as far as I know there is scientific consensus on the interaction between nature, and nurture. There is a constant interaction between consciousness, and the environment, as consciousness will naturally react to the environment it finds itself in. Culture is also a part of the environment, and I never believed otherwise, as I never believed that the environment erases, and supersedes consciousness. I may have not known to articulate it quite in this manner back then, but I never believed differently.

I sometimes wish this is nothing, but my pain clouding my ability to see things clearly. I wish this is just reality having come full circle, and I too, am being unfair to you. If you feel I am being unfair in any way, please know that I won't look away. Given everything, I just don't see how that would be possible. I do understand you had a different experience, but I also feel this went on for far too long, and I am only human. I break and bleed too, you know? Just like you do.

If you will find yourself thinking that going for a spiritual experience will fix what is broken, you should know that I do not believe it is up to God to fix, what I feel you so carelessly broke; not now, and not ever. This does not imply, I am even making the assumption you may want to fix anything. I am only saying this, as I am fully aware/conscious that the nature of our connection and the nature of existence are very much infinite, and eternal, as I am aware/conscious that the nature of experience is finite. The nature of experience is finite, because it is defined by feelings, and emotions; therefore, the shift, and change of experience, is dependent on experiencing, and releasing those feelings, and emotions. A process must be engaged for experience to progress to a space of love, or any other space, we aware, or unaware, consciously, or unconsciously choose.

While, when we met, the amount of information/understanding I felt privy to seemed truly overwhelming, and it felt I understood how the Universe works that probably wasn't accurate of me to say. I do feel I have a rather good understanding of human condition, human nature, the dynamic between souls, the dynamic between consciousness and the environment, the dynamic between souls and the Universe, soul and relationship with God, nature of Love and Fear, how thoughts, feelings&emotions, actions&behaviors feature into the progression of human experience and consciousness.

________________

This morning, I woke up with so much rage in me. I have a lot of rage in me after two years of this, and it's taking plenty of self-control to not act on it. Seeing you live your life unbothered, while I am going through all of this was more than I could take.

I am not sure you understand the amount of distress all of this caused me. I worry you will call me deranged, but make no mistake that we are the same exact person on the inside. I am assuming you never found yourself engaging in these types of behaviours. Much to your surprise neither did I. Never, ever, in the entirety of my life. This should only tell you how much distress I am under, and not that I am deranged. And when I say these types of behaviours you can include everything to do with social media, as well as much of the manner in which I conducted myself these past two years.

I am embarrassed to attach the image below, but I feel it's important I do, so you won't think this is more insane than it sounds, and that you understand what I am talking about. In trying to find relief from the heavy feelings I've been experiencing, I started hitting myself in the chest with all the strength I have. It's been going on for a few weeks now? I am not doing it with the goal of hurting myself, as I am also not experiencing any pain when I am doing it, but merely because it seems to offer me relief. I seem to have a preference for hitting myself on the left side. It simply seems to offer me more relief than my right side. It starts to bruise, and hurt, and then I resort to hitting myself in the left side of my chest. I don't hit myself when I am bruised, because once again, I am doing it to release the tension, and not because I am consciously trying to hurt myself. This is now. That's my left side, and there is this huge, really dark bruise. It's the biggest, and darkest I had so far. The other day, I had a huge lump in the middle of my chest, because of the physical trauma. Since it doesn't hurt when I am doing it, the bruises are always surprising, and unexpected to me. I just end up having so much anxiety, and feeling so much heaviness that this is the only way I am finding some relief from it. Please don't believe there is any other reason behind attaching that image, aside from the fact that it serves as proof for the amount of distress I've been experiencing. I found myself feeling a lot of anger as I was getting undressed when I came home from work, and saw that bruise; which is what drove me to both take that picture, and send this email. The yellow part going upwards isn't shadow, but bruising.

Last year, I was suicidal, and it took so much self control to not act on it… Last I seriously considered suicide was several months ago, as opposed to most of last year when I was simply having this urge to stab myself, or to slit my wrists. For some reason it had to be violent. I never had such intense feelings of suicide ever before. I observed myself having a subconscious lack of will to live in the months prior to my spiritual experience, to then find the same subconscious lack of will to live some years after we met, which ended up transforming into full blown suicidal ideation later on. Neither of these instances in my life came anywhere close to what I experienced two years ago. I don't consider myself to be suicidal anymore. The thought does pop up from time to time, but with less frequency, and surely not with the same intensity as before.

Last year, I also started displaying full on OCD behaviour, something I haven't before experienced in my life. Hand washing. Granted, I was a little extra with handwashing before as well, but I didn't display full on OCD. When I say full on OCD, it means that I was washing my hands after touching literally any surface. It got to the point where everything I was doing was revolving around hand washing. I don't know if it's as bad, because nowadays I am also a slob.

Last year, I kept my house under control, but this year... I haven't cleaned my house in 3 weeks now, and this is not the worst it was. I am simply too tired, and I lack energy to do anything.

In the last few years, I saw maybe 3? new movies, and all except one I think, were the easy/light type movies. I used to love doing many things that I just don't do anymore. I watch, and re-watch the same series over, and over again. I have no life whatsoever.

I am irritable, and plenty of times I have little patience with people who even accidentally step on my toes, something that is unlike me.

As for therapy, well...I already went through two counsellors, and I no longer have the energy to start with my story all over again. Just recounting my spiritual experience, and meeting you takes about 3-4-5 sessions. One of the counsellors wasn't helpful for me at all, and the sessions were making me worse. The other was a great counsellor for me, but I felt he was trying to take advantage of me, and some of our interactions outside of the sessions made me feel iffy. So that's that. Besides, counselling is expensive, and it's a lengthy process, not to mention that it seems to be a hit, and miss when it comes to having my experience understood. Regarding psychiatric care, well, it turns out I was incorrect regarding the psychiatric unit around here, as the experiences of my colleague left me sour, and distrusting. I also, simply find myself unable to trust most with a psychiatry degree around my experience, as I fear there is a high likelihood for it to be misdiagnosed.

While the dream I had in the aftermath of us meeting did play a role in my experience, I am also sure another part was played by my hopes and dreams of love. Knowing the nature of our connection, in absence of your input, I found myself unable to rule out the idea that you felt for me, the same way I felt for you. Why would that be such a wild idea to entertain, especially since when we met, you told me you fell in love with me? I thought you were feeling hurt and scared, and you didn't know what to make of what I was saying. I also thought you would be as excited as I was. I constantly thought I didn't express myself well enough. I constantly thought that maybe you didn't understand what I was trying to say. I took plenty of possibilities into consideration. I also, just as constantly tried to accept the possibility that you may never want to talk to me.

I knew that 2022 email will leave little room for doubt, but at that point, my goal was to find relief. I considered that the email I had sent in 2021, in which I expressly said I bloody masturbated to you BEFORE I met you, when I was bloody 17 should have left little room for doubt that nothing that happened between us had anything to do with you being Muslim, and little room for doubt regarding the nature of our connection. I tried to move on plenty of times after that Goodbye email. It just wasn't working for me though, so I resorted to WhatsApp two years ago. I would have been fine with whatever your truth was, but I needed to understand, so I could heal in order to be able to move on to the next phase of my journey, whichever way that would have looked like, be it with, or without you. There was a 'with you' both because the memories from that dream were contradicting the experience I was having, and because I was still in love with you.

While the dream I had in the aftermath of us meeting did play a role, there is causality between the contents of those precog dreams of mine, and the feelings I am experiencing in the awake state right before having them. All the war dreams happened during times when there were war related news in the world. To give you a very clear example, the precog dream where they went Nazi style Germany on Muslim people happened as Russia was invading Crimea, just a short time after I engaged in Islamophobic rhetoric. Another clear example is the dream I had at 17yo when just the day prior, due to reading an article on twin flames, I was triggered to have feelings on the matter. This is the case for all other precog dreams I remember daily events, from around the time I had them. These dreams, and the ability for precognition are also a result of the ability to project potential progressions of the feelings, and emotions we may choose to engage. This should illustrate to you the kinds of feelings I was having when I had that dream with many versions of events. I have no control over whether, or not I have such dreams. I keep feeling guilty for knowing we could end up in a place such as this, but not only did I do my best to stop things from getting here, we could have ended up in many other places before this one. I don't feel anything I did ever took away your control. Given the qualities of our soul, it was obvious to me that the theme of control was going to be an important part of this journey. I feel that by failing to address, and acknowledge our shared experience you took away my ability to have control over my own experience, which leaves me feeling robbed. I realised that in part, the amount of emails I sent to you these past two years were subconscious attempts at taking back control over my own experience.

I am also much more aware, and conscious of self - generally speaking, at least - than you gave me credit for, but am I supposed to apologise for knowing how to control/direct/guide my experience? I don't feel I take anyone's control from themselves, and I always made it a point to be as open and honest as I possibly could, from the level of awareness I had at any given moment. This being said, maybe sometimes I failed at being truthfull, because trying to communicate this kind of complex experience via email was rather complicated, not to mention my precarious mental state. One of the reasons I try to aim for openness, and honesty is because I do not want to take anything from anyone. I feel it would have been fair of you to give me the courtesy of at least trying to do the same by me.

How much of a beating am I supposed to take before I break, and start acting out of character?

And don't get me started with right vs wrong, because you wouldn't have been so offended that second night, if you hadn't believed in there being a right and wrong. It just so happens that while various environments facilitate a subjective perception of right/wrong, there is an objective right, and wrong. It's just that it's circumstantial, and only defined by love, or the lack of it.

_________________

I kept trying for that email that will set me free. I kept writing because somehow, I kept hoping it will be this email that will dot the i's and cross the t's, that it will be this email that will offer me the much sought after relief from what was a heavy, traumatic, and maddening experience to go through.

I keep wanting to say that I am sure there were much better ways in which I could have handled this, in which I could have handled the entirety of my experience, and I am sure there were, but I did my best, as I was having to navigate a traumatic experience with so many dimensions, all with their own complexities. The precognition dimension, the God dimension, the Devil dimension, the I met the other half of my soul dimension, the lack of memory, the confusion, the fear, the hope, the excitement. It was a lot to deal with, a lot to process, and navigate.

I am sure you found me excessive, but all the emails I ended up sending helped me get closer to truth. I know. I could just write them instead of also sending them, but not only did your lack of reaction help me rule out various possibilities, but there are plenty that I write that don't get sent. I feel like an intruder, but all the emails I sent, those outbursts, all that I shared, even as wonky, and pathetic as they were, they all saved my life. While I unloaded plenty in these emails, I also dealt with plenty on my own, and there were plenty more emails I didn't send, and plenty of times when I bit my tongue. Sending some of them gave me some hope that maybe I am heard. And even so, because I have no evidence I was heard, I am still largely left feeling unheard.

I never understood how you really felt for me, or what it is that I can expect from you, and our connection. It was never the possibility of rejection that had me on the brink of suicide, but the uncertainty of not knowing what to expect from you. I needed to know and understand, because I couldn't live the way I had been living until then. I needed answers, because all of this felt paralysing for me. I needed to understand, so I would know which direction to go. Not knowing what I was supposed to accept resulted in me spending a decade in limbo, a limbo that I feel took a lot from me. I am a shell of the person I once was, a space I've been finding myself in, for years now.

I am sure that to you my actions, my emails and their content left a lot to be desired, but more than to say that I was struggling and unwell, I couldn't. I can't say more than this was a lot for me to go through. The whole social media interaction didn't help my case that much either; not while being as mentally unwell as I was. I couldn't know what was the purpose behind it, but as I found myself hoping for various scenarios, I took it as a sign of affection coming from you. I kept hoping for this, or for that. I kept hoping, because after all these years, and despite everything, I still found myself very much in love with you, and I clung onto what seem to be the most ridiculous of things, in absence of your input. I took all the social media interaction, as a sign you weren't even in a relationship anymore, to then see your bsky, and realise you were in a relationship all along, to see, and realise you were living your life unbothered, while I've been struggling to this degree.

I feel like an idiot to have trusted you, to have trusted your words of affection, to have trusted you fell in love, to have trusted you to treat me with a modicum amount of respect. I didn't trust you, because I expected the man with whom I share a soul to treat me with love and respect, because all other halves of a soul would be respectful and loving to their other half. I trusted you, because I knew, and understood the qualities of my soul. I never expected this kind of treatment from you. I trusted you, because I knew everything I stand for, but this feels like more of the same kind of disrespect, and more of the same kind of shallow I've been accustomed to expect from men.

I didn't expect you to love me, but I trusted that if you don't, you will treat me with respect, and kindness. It was because I trusted you, that I ended up reading into your ambiguity, as why else would you fail to resolve our connection? Was it so outrageous of me to think that maybe the other half of my soul wants, and loves me as much as I want, and love him? And oh, how much I loved, and wanted you.

After we met, I was confused, and scared, but I didn't want to do anything that could cause you even the smallest of hurt, or upset. If I recall correctly, if you go back to my emails before the 2021 one, you will see how I never used the word 'Devil'. I danced around it, because I didn't want to make the experience heavy for you. I think I may have treated the word 'nightmare' in the same way, for the same reason. I was also confused about what was right and wrong in our circumstance, and even if I loved you, I never felt comfortable striving to 'wake' you. The lack of resolve to our connection was taxing on my mental, and emotional wellbeing, and I am pretty sure I would have pushed harder for it, right from the beginning, but between your pain, and my lack of memory, I felt I had no right. All I felt I could do in my circumstances was to ask you to talk to me. And you know what's funny? It's funny, because I understood and 'saw' very early on that we could end up in a situation such as this, if you fail to resolve our connection. The similar scenario I was 'seeing' at the time resulted in us reconnecting, although that scenario featured a version of you who loved me. I really wanted you. I really wanted that man who loved me as much as I 'saw' you loving me, and the thought that I could let you walk right into it crossed my mind. I also felt, and believed that would be wrong of me, and that was the first time I asked you to talk to me. Your constant refusals to talk to me had me trying to look for an explanation that was worthy of the man I believed the other half of my soul to be. I thought highly of you, and I never expected you to treat me quite in this manner.

I understand you had a different experience of our connection, but you were equally as responsible for it. Your denial of our shared reality, and experience, your denial of my reality, experience, and distress, your denial of reality itself caused me an unspeakable amount of grief. Reality doesn't change just because you refuse to face, and deal with it.