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Context & Introduction

Growing up I had a lot of nightmares. Because I had so many nightmares I developed the ability to lucid dream. If, as I was dreaming, I became aware I was merely having a dream, I could gain some control. I could consciously strive to wake up, and thus escape those frightening scenarios. Many of these nightmares featured what I labelled as a dark entity - The Devil - in the form of a dark-haired man, with black eyes, and full lips. I couldn't clearly remember his face in my awake state, and all I was always left with was a type.

I didn't know if that man was indeed the Devil, but due to the level of fear I was experiencing in his presence this label seemed to fit, and I ran with it. This Entity/Devil would constantly taunt, and threaten me. He would tell me he was going to get me eventually, that I was going to be his, and other variations of this kind. Plenty of times there was quite a lot of lust involved.

Because these dreams/nightmares were emotionally intense, they remained rather vivid in my memory. I can still recount most, if not all of them, even today. 

After plenty of analysis, I can safely conclude I experienced these dreams through my then - years old -consciousness. 

I will refer to A. as 'the man'/'the man in my dream', because this is how my memory registered A. in those dreams. Every single detail about the circumstances, and A.'s house were exactly the same in the reality me & A. shared in 2015, as they were in this dream I had in 2003. This was the case for the dream pertaining to the 2nd night we met as well; a dream I had when I was about 12 years old, around 1998.

Since the dreams were vivid, and emotionally intense which meant they lingered, I can also remember details of my daily life, and events surrounding them. This helps me place them in time with precision. 

The dream of the first night I met A., which I had in 2003, covered the entire version of events of the reality me and A. shared in 2015. Our shared reality was somewhat different than the experience I had in my dream, because I consciously chose to make different choices either out of curiosity, because I was wanting to prevent a certain outcome, or in trying to conquer my fears. The dream of the second time we met, which I had around 1998 was rather short, and covered a very small portion of events from the reality me and A. shared, in 2015. 

So there is no room for interpretation, I will say that I am not claiming that every single dream with the man I had labelled the Devil were dreams with A.. While I do see that as a possibility, I also see other possible explanations. For this reason, I can only speak on these two dreams in particularx. 

Precognitive Dream of the 2nd Time We Met - ~12 y.o.- ~1998 

The first dream I had of A. pertains to the second time we met. I had it when I was about 12 years old, around 1998. This time in my life was plagued by dreams with that entity, to a point where I was scared to go to sleep at night. I feel the need to repeat myself, and mention that this dream covered a very small portion of events from the reality me and A. shared in 2015.

One night, I dreamt I was in a dimly lit room, looking at a man who sat across from me, on a red velvet chaise-longue. I was enjoying his company. I found him very interesting. We were talking, and it was all really pleasant.

I felt relieved it wasn't another nightmare. That moment it dawned on me that I was in yet another dimly lit environment, in the presence of a dark-haired man with black eyes, and full lips. I began worrying this was yet another nightmare, and the man that sat across from me was that entity, trying to create a false sense of safety, to lure me into God knows what twisted scenario. I became increasingly terrified of this possibility, and consciously woke up from my dream. That must have been the most fearful nightmare I had up until that point. In my mind, that was potentially the climax to all the taunting, and threatening I experienced in previous nightmares.

I also remember how after waking up, I started questioning my fear. It was true my dream was set in yet another a dimly lit environment, but it was merely a room, futuristic to my perception, but not divorced from the world I knew, and the man did nothing wrong; then again, I didn't allow the dream to go far enough.

For a little while, I thought that maybe, if I was to go back to sleep, the dream will resume. I'd had such experiences with dreams before; I would wake up, only for the dream to continue where it left off once I drifted back to sleep. I thought that if the dream was to continue where it left off, I could maybe investigate a little, but the possibility of that man being the devil was too terrifying. That night, I needed to at least pretend it wasn't a nightmare. I left it at surreal. My mind made a connection to surrealism in art, and I fell back asleep.

I never forgot this dream. Its memory would come back occasionally. I remembered it, when I realized it was because of it, that I fell in love with chaise-longues, which had me place one even in bathrooms whenever I would decorate my houses in The Sims game. I remembered it, when I mentioned it to a supposed psychic in a chat room, or when I was recounting it to friends. The last time I mentioned it was in 2013, when I referred to A./the man in my dream, as the Devil. I remember saying 'The Devil was sitting on a red velvet chaise-longue, right across from me.'. Right after I said this to my friend, I remember I felt guilty, as if I was unfair; I, then proceeded to feel silly for worrying about a label I placed on a man from a dream.

Precognitive Dream of the 1st Time We Met - 17 y.o. - 2003

There were mild differences between the reality me and A. shared in 2015, and the experience I had in my dream. In my dream I ended up alone with A., and we weren't intimate. In the reality me and A. lived in 2015, we weren't alone in the room, and we were intimate. A.'s house was the exact same in the dream I had in 2003, as it was in 2015 when I visited it. The reason my and A.'s lived experience in 2015 was somewhat different from my dream is because I consciously chose to make slightly different choices.

I had this second dream when I was precisely 17, in 2003. I can place it in time with precision, for one particular reason that I will touch upon somewhere below.

One day, I went browsing my parents' bookshelves looking for something to read. I stumbled upon a yoga book. While shuffling through the pages, I came upon the concept of tantra yoga, and associated it with tantric sex, a term I had heard of before. The idea of tantric sex appealed to me.

I googled 'tantric sex', but all I could find at the time was an article on twin flames, that briefly mentioned tantric sex. I found the article unsatisfactory; I remember feeling the concept of twin flames was a lovely idea, but dismissed it as a myth.

That night, I dreamt I was in a room with three other people. 

I sat on a sofa next to a man I was very attracted to. Right across from us, on another sofa, sat a woman and a man. I remember making out with the man I sat next to, while the two people that sat on the sofa across from us kept telling us to go get a room.

I remember wanting to be alone with that man, and I was making up in my mind scenarios that could make that happen. I wondered what my friend at the time – of the 17 years old me - whom I admired for her mastery of social situations, would do. Inspired by my friend, I, more or less jokingly, suggested to the two other people, to go get a room themselves. The man I was attracted to, encouraged it, which had the other man and the other woman leave the room. Side note: This is why I know when I had the dream with such precision. I had lost touch with this friend I admired for her mastery of social situations, shortly before I had the dream. We were very good friends in the 9th, and 10th grade, but she switched schools, and lived in a different town. I remember how in my dream, I briefly realised, that despite us not having talked in almost a year, her memory was still very much present in my life.

I remember the man I was attracted to closing the door behind the two people that left. All of a sudden, I became aware that we may be intimate. I made a poor choice of underwear that night, so I started to feel self-conscious.

I moved to the sofa by the window, hoping to catch my breath for a little while. 

Upon closing the door behind the two, the man sat right next to me, on the sofa I had moved onto. We ended up making out. Even though he asked for it, I kept refusing to be intimate with him. I didn't refuse because I didn't desire him, but because I was too self-conscious by my choice of underwear. Of course he didn't know this. Because I kept refusing to go further than making out, he blew off the candles, so the room would be in complete darkness. When that didn't work, he thought it was because we didn't know each other. In an attempt to make me feel safe, he talked to me for a while. He shared some things about himself. I only vaguely remember what he shared but, I remember thinking he seemed perfect. He seemed like the exact type of man I had been looking for. He seemed almost too good to be true. I loved everything he told me about himself. He seemed to have this really interesting balance between kindness and roughness, a balance I hadn't seen in anyone else. A balance I could recognise myself in. I began wondering if he was the other half of my soul. The more we were talking, the more prominent this idea became in my mind. Because to me, he seemed this incredible man, because the chemistry between us was so intense, and because of my awareness I was in a dream, I began worrying I was once again, in the presence of that entity. The concept of two people sharing the same soul seemed too farfetched to me. The Devil, however, was a regular in my dreams.

Now, my constant refusal wasn't rooted in self-consciousness anymore, but in fear. I remember us being on that sofa by the window, making out, while I kept going back and forth, between 'he is the other half of my soul' vs 'he is the Devil'.

It was morning already, and at this point he seemed annoyed I refused to be intimate with him. He became a little pushy in regards to intimacy, and ended up mockingly asking me, if I was a virgin. In an attempt to take his mind off of sex, I asked him what he thought the two people who were in the room with us initially, were doing. Visibly annoyed, he replied "They are having sex, unlike us". Side note: This one is a quote. I remember this one that vividly.

I think it was around this moment that I had a brief moment of awareness that I was experiencing my future in this dream. It was also around this time in my dream, that I became aware I was speaking English, and I was around people from what to me were foreign countries. I found that really cool. Side note: This is another example that leaves little room for doubt that I experienced this dream through my 17 years old consciousness. 17 year old me that had never left Romania, and was excited by the idea of being around, and engaging with foreign people.

Because the man was a little frustrated due to my refusal, I suggested we go check on the other two people.

When we opened the door, the two people were waiting for us in the other room. Initially, all four of us made some small talk. We even had a laugh, when all of a sudden, the woman broke out in tears, and accused the friend of the man I had spent the night with, of rape. I was shocked, and terrified. She was telling me to call the police, at which point, the man I had spent the night with was telling me not to. He was saying it was visible she was mentally unwell. I remember the fear, the terror, me wondering if she had been raped.

At this moment I woke up. I think I woke up more terrified by the rape accusation, and the idea that I was in a room adjacent to a woman being raped, rather than the possibility of that man being the devil. This dream scarred me, and felt traumatising. 

Upon waking up, I remember thinking of the possibility of that dream being a part of my future, but I refused to believe I could go through anything like that. Not to mention the idea of me having precognitive dreams, which seemed just too wild to consider. I tried to give it various interpretations. I thought that maybe, the man was a symbol for me, and I was supposed to look at the similarities between us. I thought it was just another dream with the Devil. No matter how bad I wanted to just shake it off from my mind and soul, I didn't seem to be able to. Unlike most of my other dreams or nightmares, this one felt haunting. 

It was haunting enough that I found myself thinking of it the next day at school. I was thinking about what it all meant, about that man, about how I would go back and forth between he is the Devil, or the other half of my soul. I had no attachment whatsoever to the idea of him being the other half of my soul, mostly because I found such an idea to be absurd. It was the back and forth between such contrasting ideas that felt remarkable to me.

I remember how when I got home from school that day, I wanted to take a nap. As I was lying in bed, I couldn't help, but think of the dream, of the man in my dream. The more I was thinking about it all, the more aroused I was getting. My lust got the better of me, and despite my fears, I thought there would be nothing wrong if I was to masturbate to the memory of him. He probably was just a harmless fantasy. I distinctly remember thinking that maybe I could fantasize about going all the way with him. I was curious about how that would be like.

As I was masturbating, I found myself unable to imagine being intimate with him, and my mind kept running in other directions. I started to feel a lot of guilt. I felt ashamed of myself; I couldn't help, but masturbate to a man I worried was the Devil. In trying to resolve my guilt and shame, I felt forced to admit to myself that I want a man like the man in my dream, but preferably without the fear. I distinctly remember the word 'preferably', as if I knew fear was a package deal. It felt as if the man in my dream was everything I didn't even know I wanted. It was only after admitting this to myself, that I was finally able to let go of the memory of this dream, and dismiss it all as nothing more than a stupid dream. 

Later that day, I found myself googling BDSM, and until I met A. in 2015, I never thought of tantric sex again. I remember observing then, in 2003, how my desire for tantric sex was replaced by a desire for BDSM due to the dream. I thought that maybe this was the purpose this dream served; to help me discover aspects of my sexuality.