THIS SITE IS MY WAY OF TAKING CONTROL OF AN EXPERIENCE THAT DEEPLY SHATTERED, AND ALTERED MY ABILITY TO ORIENT MYSELF IN REALITY

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The content found here is a reflection of my being and essence caught at a moment in time, as I was navigating an existential, complex and traumatic experience, without it being defining for the entirety and complexity of my being. While my essence has a core identity and natural orientation, my essence is also limitless and fluid, with its expression being dependent on context and circumstance.

To the reader: 

This is by no means light reading. It is for the most part an exploration of the structures of consciousness, reality, experience and their dynamic as it emerged from a set of anomalous experiences that broke me, and fundamentally altered my understanding and my perception of their nature. It is an account of lived experience, articulated as clearly as I could, and mapped out conceptually to the best of my ability.

The site holds a series of observations, my lived experience and how I came to glimpse into what I now describe as a structural organisational logic behind consciousness, and its dynamic with reality, and experience. It was my lived experience that forced the inferences, structure and dynamic.

The content argues from lived experience that experience, consciousness and reality have an intrinsic structure: a cohesive field that differentiates and integrates over time. 

The intellectual exercise has been a joy from the start, but its articulation came as a consequence of my need to survive after a phenomenon that is well documented in transpersonal psychology as spiritual emergence - a state of high-coherence in consciousness. This was followed by a textbook Jungian archetypal encounter that resulted in core fragmentation of my being. The traumatic event impacted core identity, core values and sat on multiple existentially charged axes of experience. From a state of high-coherence with reality, I found myself in a state of near complete incoherence with it a short month later.

It all led to one entire decade of observations, and analysis as I navigated the aftermath. It was during the aftermath that I became able to conceptually differentiate the different parts of the dynamic and their relation. In this sense, the content on this site is both map and medicine - a way to restore intrinsic human dignity, and find purpose for something that affected me and my life deeply.

I see consciousness, reality and experience as distinct, yet inseparable: Consciousness as the fundamental experiential field - the medium itself. Reality as the structured totality consciousness can experience. Experience as consciousness' registration of reality. Reality as undetermined, structurally open moment to moment, yet constrained by a 360 field of dynamic contrast axes sweeping through space and time. The nature of Reality, Consciousness, Experience as fundamentally coherent.

I do not claim to have more than superficial knowledge in any of the domains I touch upon. I am also aware that in part my observations have been ideas philosophy and science previously engaged with. This being said, I arrived at these conclusions through my own analysis of my own lived experience, with just enough study to be able to articulate, and anchor my observations where needed. I treat my understanding of consciousness as largely experiential, with my conceptual understanding and ability to articulate the structure and dynamic evolving significantly over the course of this decade-long process. 

This was written while still in considerable distress, over the course of about 6 months. I am actually proud I was able to pull this together while in the state I was in, but it's rough in places. It is, however, not meant to be a dissertation. That would require more study, and development but I was only able to do just enough to enable me to articulate it in a decently structured and coherent manner. The same goes for the research I engaged in which was only enough to see if I can corroborate observations with already existing work and science. 

I am constantly trying to update, improve sequence, flow, develop, and increase precision. The more I do so, the more it seems to build on itself, and the more I feel the need to re-structure the flow, so have this in mind. There is also far more complexity to be accounted and argued for.  Even so, I believe the mapping as it already stands is correct and the structure is visible. I think the whole of it provides a comprehensive view of my perspective as it emerged from my experience.

I choose to place the section 'Process of Conceptualisation' at the top, because I believe it provides the map and guide through which the structure of my experience can be seen and understood. The rest of the site is the account of my lived experience serving as the primary data from which my observations emerged - 'Primary Material', and my attempts at a somewhat structured articulation of the architecture - the Sketch Models . 

I want to note that I am still moving through the aftermath, still calibrating, and integrating and the site is a living document of that. Some of the language across the site reflects different moments in that process. I constantly try to adjust for clarity and precision but I wobble at times and I ask the reader to hold that alongside everything else.   

Also, regardless of your personal opinions, and worldview I ask of you to please proceed holding in mind that there is a human being behind my words. 

Disclaimer: This website reflects my personal memories, perceptions, and interpretations of past events. All ideas and conceptual work are my own. Names and identifying details have been changed.

Something to note: You may find that throughout my texts, I use the term natural orientation as opposed to identity.  I do not like the word identity as it exists today, as I find it blurs the boundary between self and environment. The environment conditions the field in which the self can act, but does not exhaust its authorship. The Self is prior and agentic. My reliance on the term 'natural orientation' is likely evidence of trauma and a lack of stable sense of self, as today I am more comfortable swapping natural orientation for core identity. I feel the term core identity is a much more accurate representation of Self, as opposed to just identity. 

From where I am standing and based on my observations, consciousness has a core identity reflective of its inherent structural relational pattern, while maintaining fluidity so as to preserve itself during suppression, or oppression, and to maintain the ability to reorganise and recohere.

Note on A.I.: I used A.I. tools to organise and articulate material developed from my own lived experience and writing, during a difficult time, and not as a replacement for authorship. The underlying observations, structure and dynamic belong to me, and A.I. support was merely used for articulation and organisation, mainly in the Cohesion-Differentiation-Section.