THIS SITE IS MY WAY OF TAKING CONTROL OF AN EXPERIENCE THAT DEEPLY SHATTERED, AND ALTERED MY ABILITY TO ORIENT MYSELF IN REALITY

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The content found here is a reflection of my being and essence caught at a moment in time, as I was navigating a complex and traumatic experience, without it being defining for the entirety and complexity of my being. While my essence has a natural orientation - core identity, my essence is also limitless and fluid, with its expression being dependent on context and circumstance.

To the reader: 

This is by no means light reading. It is for the most part an exploration of the structures of consciousness, experience, reality and their dynamic as it emerged from a set of anomalous experiences that broke me, and fundamentally altered my understanding and my perception of their nature. 

This site holds a series of observations, ideas and the story of my lived experience, and how I believe I came to glimpse into what I now describe as a structural organisational logic behind consciousness, and its dynamic with the structure of reality. 

The following emerged as both an intellectual exercise and as a consequence of my need for coherence after a phenomena that is well documented in transpersonal psychology as spiritual emergence, followed by a traumatic event that resulted in core fragmentation of my being. 

Today, I understand my experience of spiritual emergence as a state of high-coherence in consciousness. This experience and the traumatic event were spaced apart by only one month. From a state of high-coherence with reality, I found myself in a state of near complete incoherence with it. It all led to one entire decade of observations as I navigated the aftermath. It was during the aftermath that I became able to differentiate the different parts of the dynamic and their relation. In this sense, the content on this site is both map and medicine - a way to find purpose for something that affected me and my life deeply. 

There are details I still need to work through when it comes to its articulation, but it has already gone through several re-iterations, and I think it's in a decent enough shape for now. 

While I have no formal philosophical training, I am aware that in part my observations are a re-invention of the wheel. This being said I reached these conclusions independently through lived experience rather than philosophical study. What I believe I have is experiential understanding of consciousness that paved the way for conceptual understanding. My understanding of consciousness evolved significantly over the course of this decade-long process, and while I worked to maintain precision, there may be moments where my use of consciousness, reality, experience isn't as precise. This may be particularly true in earlier articulations or when describing experiences that preceded my ability to differentiate them clearly. This being said while I see consciousness, reality and experience as distinct, I also see them as inseparable. While I am still refining my ability to articulate these distinctions with precision, for now: Consciousness as the fundamental experiential field - the medium itself. Reality as the structured totality consciousness can experience. Experience as consciousness' registration of reality. 

I choose to place the section 'Process of Conceptualisation' at the top, because I believe it provides a rational lens through which my experience can be understood. The rest of the site is the account of my lived experience serving as the primary data from which my observations emerged - 'Primary Material', and my attempts at articulating the structure - the Sketch Models . 

A note on AI: I collaborated with multiple AI models during synthesis and articulation. The process always began from my own written work and involved extensive back and forth, revision, and careful alignment with my observations. AI merely served as a tool to help me organise and clarify material during a period defined by exhaustion and emotional difficulty, not as a replacement for authorship. There was minimal AI involvement in the sections Primary Material and the Process of Conceptualisation, while AI involvement is most visible in the section related to the sketch of the Cohesion, Differentiation, and Integration model of consciousness. Where I recognised overlaps with established ideas, I noted them, but bear in mind I am not trying to write a thesis here. 

All A.I. models I collaborated with recognised the same patterns I observed, finding them in a larger data body than I could include on this site. 

This is an account of lived experience, articulated as clearly as I could, and mapped out conceptually to the best of my ability. 

Also, regardless of your personal opinions, and worldview I ask of you to please proceed holding in mind that behind my words there is a human being.

Disclaimer: This website reflects my personal memories, perceptions, and interpretations of past events. All ideas are my own, and names and identifying details have been changed.

Something to note: You may find that throughout my texts, I use the term natural orientation as opposed to identity. I do not like the word identity as it exists today, as I find it blurs the boundary between self and environment. My reliance on the term 'natural orientation' is likely evidence of trauma and a lack of stable sense of self, as today I am more comfortable swapping natural orientation for core identity. I feel the term core identity is a much more accurate representation of Self, as opposed to just identity. 

Consciousness has a core identity, while maintaining fluidity so as to preserve itself during suppression, or oppression, and to maintain the ability to reorganise, recohere or expand.