The Story of How the Woman who Found God Met the Devil

*the content on this site is constantly altered or adjusted to better reflect my experience*

'Homepage' adjusted to account for the archetypal patterns present throughout my experience being representative for the dual nature of reality

THIS SITE IS MY WAY OF TAKING CONTROL OF AN EXPERIENCE THAT DEEPLY SHATTERED MY REALITY, MY UNDERSTANDING OF THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE, AND MY VERY BEING

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The content found here is a reflection of my being and essence caught at a moment in time, as I was navigating a complex and traumatic experience, without it being defining for the entirety and complexity of my being. It is only a reflection of a part of who I am, of who and how I can be in a particular circumstance. 

I've always been a skeptic when it came to matters pertaining to the 'paranormal', 'psychic', etc, and not once in the entirety of my life did I imagine I will experience things as otherworldy as the ones I experienced, or that I would meet someone of whom I will find myself able to say has the same exact soul within their body as I do.

After my spiritual experience, and after I met A., I tried to find my place, and twin flame communities seemed to be the most reasonable choice. I mean no disrespect to anyone, but I find these communities to be abundant in stories that I believe to be a result of subconscious, or unconscious self-deception, and projection. What I oftentimes found, was that the only foundation underneath many of the claims found in these communities is purely feeling centered. While this in itself doesn't mean their connections aren't genuine twin flame connections, I also have a difficult time believing there would be such a stark difference between my experience, and the experiences I came across in these communities. I have yet to hear a story, or experience like my own.

I came across the term 'twin flames' when I was 17, in 2003; the day before I had what I was going to find out was a precognitive dream of my & A's first encounter; which materialised in 2015. As I was reading that article at 17, I remember thinking the whole twin flame concept was a lovely idea, but dismissed it as a myth. I never thought of it until shortly before I met A., when I found myself reading about twin flames, out of a need to see if I should give another shot at a relationship with a man, who plenty of times said he thinks we may be soulmates.

I also read a little on the subject of twin flames in 2015, shortly after I met A.. The article I remember reading at the time was listing a series of aspects that seem would logically accompany the twin flame connection. Among these aspects, most prominently featured was God's presence, with the article saying that one, or both would experience a connection with God shortly before meeting. Having had such an experience of God, it seems only natural that a connection to the Divine, which results in a heightened state of awareness of Self, would pave the way for the opportunity to experience All of Self. The article was also mentioning other aspects like big age gaps, difference in cultures, spiritualities. The following is a short paragraph that is found in one of the texts on this blog/site, a paragraph that summarizes my experience, and reasoning behind the idea that me and A. have the same exact soul within two distinct bodies, who lived in different environments, and had a different life experience.

'It's my fault too I guess, because I second-guessed my reasoning when there was nothing to second-guess. God/The Divine being present, indicating a spiritual/divine connection. God's Love being present, and fresh within my soul, which meant I could only attract Love. An understanding into the natures of Love and Fear. My biggest fear being triggered. Probably your biggest fear being triggered. Unusual circumstances at the moment of meeting. Almost instantaneous connection, something that never happened to me before. Difference in cultures, spirituality, and overall environment. And to top it all off, I dreamt of you - in my asleep state - 12&17 years before we met. Everything I had once read to indicate the presence of the other half of one's soul was there.'

While the entirety of my story sounds insane, even to my ears, even today, I feel to mention that there is a rational sounding explanation for it all. Looking for reason in the midst of a ridiculously insane experience has been my choping mechanism.

So, if you are a skeptic like myself, I hope you won't judge me, or my story, before delving into the content on this blog/site. I know it's a rather long read, but there are so many dimensions to my experience, all with their own complexity, interrelating with each other that I simply don't see how I could condense it all without it losing meaning. While no one I shared my story with doubted the veracity of it, I am still afraid people will dismiss it as too ridiculous to be true.

I hope you will see how my spiritual experience, and meeting A. were merely a conclusion to my lifelong experience with vivid dreams, dreams I constantly found myself dismissing throughout my life. I feel my experience is illustrative for Jung's work on the subconscious and unconscious minds. I've also come to realise that the nature of my lived experience is not only filled with symbolism, but universal archetypal patterns - God vs Devil/Self vs Other/Love vs Fear/Light vs Dark/Control vs Trust, patterns that were present at almost every turn throughout my experience; patterns I believe to be representative of the dual nature of reality. 

As per my own experience the animus/masculine aspect of my consciousness has a physical existence. Whatever I had identified as the animus throughout my life was merely a consequence of the fact that C/consciousness always works as O/one, regardless of awareness of this being true. Neither the anima, nor the animus are darker than the other, as light and dark are shared between the entirety of the consciousness, rather than being split. I believe consciousness is Light/Loving by Nature, with the Dark/Unloving manifestations being a consequence of consciousness' reactions from a space of unchecked conditioning, and/or other various environmental factors.

Even if this journey was maddening and it had me go through a lot of suffering, I still can't in good conscience deny me and A. have the same soul. My experience has been incredibly painful, and A.'s silence felt like mental and emotional torture; while this is the case, I can't help, but recognise that what for me felt like cruelty and lack of compassion on his part, at worst, only speaks to his deeply ingrained fears, rather than the essence of his soul. While this does not excuse what to me felt like cruelty, no matter how many times I try to deny the nature of our connection, each time I am drawn back to the amount of otherworldly aspects surrounding my experience, and to the amount of similarities between me and A.. I have already relentlessly questioned everything around this experience, and this connection. The deeper I go, the more apparent it becomes to me that A. had to have always been embedded into the very fabric of my consciousness, for me to feel or experience his presence in one form or another ever since I was a mere child. 

While I did my best to articulate it all, since this experience has been incredibly overwhelming, I spent the past decade mostly observing the motions of my consciousness from the inside in relation to it. I did so both in trying to make sense of it, and because I recognised its value and potential. For this reason, the written version of my story and experience is still a work in progress.